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December 14, 2008
The Cougar Lounge - Nine Snowballs From Hell
"It was an offensive juggernaut."
- Wazzu head men's hoop coach Tony Bennett after the Cougars' 70-51 victory over Montana State.
"FSN will provide fans the opportunity to watch the announcement of Steve Sarkisian as the new Head Coach of the Washington Huskies football team as the network is set to broadcast LIVE the school's 9:30 a.m. press conference. FSN's Jen Mueller will be on location to set the stage for the live event with Nicole Zaloumis in the FSN studio to give fans additional background and details about Sarkisian's career Host Jen Mueller will have an exclusive sit-down with the new Husky coach, going in depth about Sarkisian's coaching career, what led to his decision to leave USC and his immediate plans on how to revitalize the football program."
- Portions of the FSN press release - which some have described as breathless - announcing the parting of the Red Sea uh, we mean .healing of the lepers no, wait! we mean the hiring of another football coach at Washington. The Lounge has been told that FSN will be offering exclusive LIVE coverage of Sarkisian making a left hand turn on a residential street, ordering and then drinking a coffee and his toenail clipping process [with host Jen Mueller interviewing the expired nails and Nicole Zaloumis in the studio to interview the next nails on the chopping block].
"If Graham is not invited to the Heisman, they ought to quit giving out the award."
- Texas Tech head football coach Mike Leach whining about his quarterback, Graham Harrell, just before he was left off the list for an overrated award. Now can they quit giving the award? Please? [We're asking nicely].
"Of course, we all know what we're going through maybe you're not buying a Gulfstream but people still have to be celebratory."
- Managing partner of the Nobu Restaurant sushi emporium chain Richie Notar, seemingly assuring everyone that he is showing his solidarity with the little people during these difficult economical times by only flying his private jet once a week - maybe twice if they need him in Vegas.
The old adage claims that a stitch in time saves nine but it is not clear - nine what? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Penguins on a pogo stick? The Lounge was perplexed at first, but then we brought out our specially-designed lap pillow, filled the vat 'o nog and proceeded to think real long and hard about what @#$%!ing hell it was talking about! Oh, sorry about that - sometimes the frustration about old proverbial sayings comes flying out of the frying pan and gets tossed onto the kitchen floor for everyone to see. Then, it is an awkward situation and somebody has some 'splainin' to do. Plus the Lounge is all beat up after hearing about the death of Slinky, or to put it more precisely, the death of Slinky's co-inventor, Betty James [the Lounge does not mourn the other co-inventor, James' husband, because he left her to join a Bolivian religious cult in 1959 and that was before anybody had ever heard of Bolivia or before Nike could make an ad campaign for their country "Bo Does Livia"]. The Slinky was, as it was for millions of other kids, one of the Lounge's most-favoritest toys. In those early Lounge years when the Lounge would be needing to be honing the rapid-fire synapses necessary for existence in everyday life, the Lounge was ignoring that and playing with Slinky. Good old, dependable, relaiable pal Slinky. It never went down the stairs - alone or in pairs - like the Lounge would have liked it to, but it was fun for confusing both boys and girls and cats. Long Live Slinky. So, anyway, what were we saying? Oh yeah, the Lounge, decided, given the current weather conditions and with winter right around the corner and scheduled to arrive next week, nine must mean snowballs.
The BCS Taliban made their annual announcement of college football-destroying bowl games last week and guess what? They screwed up college football again and somebody was unhappy! The system is unfair and flawed? No way! Yep, we know it is hard to believe, but it is true. This time, teams getting the shaft were Texas, USC and Boise State. If you are like most of the nation and the Lounge clientele - then the first reaction is "Boise State got shafted? Yaaaawwwnnn." But then if you are like some of the other parts of the nation where they have way too much time on their hands and where they tend to take college football so serious that minor deities are made out of their head coaches as well as the pancakes they had for breakfast ["Look! The syrup just formed the image of Mack Brown all on its own - it's a miracle!"], then there was significant outrage. Now, we are not sure what we find more amusing - the BCS Taliban screwing up college football again and numerous Bolivian religious cultists trying to defend it or Texans mad because they didn't get what they wanted and are gonna throw a tantrum and take their ball and go home [See quote above].
Of course, Cougar fans and well-wishers have moved on from football season because - duh - it is basketball season now. So that relieves them from the duty of having to think about the good [Apple Cup win over the hapless Huskies], the bad [setting a NCAA Division I record for total points allowed in a season - 570] and the ugly [that USC game and the Cal game and the Oregon game and the Stanford game well, you get the picture]. It is recruiting season for Wazzu and everybody is a winner there, as we are to understand from the quotes that will be coming out of every head coach's mouth on signing day in a few weeks.
Of course, there is always the Director's Cup for Texas, USC and Boise State. Oh wait .no there isn't that has been the personal playtoy of Stanford for the last 14 years, ever since they snatched it from North Carolina when they were toddlers. Dang, sorry about that Texas, USC and Boise - you will have to whine about football some more now.
Maybe they can do that online as well as television. A recent study by ESPN concluded - newsflash! - that a whole bunch of people watch college sports both online and on television and really it comes down to the availability of the best screen for which to do all the watching. We know this comes as a mammoth surprise to Texas where they have already launched their own television channel in the hopes that everybody will want to watch Texans being mad about being dissed in college athletics. Make sure to tune in for the exclusive interviews of irate Texans tossing all their rusted out septic tanks into Oklahoma. It is either that or watch FSN and their exclusive LIVE coverage of what brand toilet paper the new Husky football coach will be using - followed by an in-depth analysis of texture and performance on the coach's show - "In My Own Words".
"I think this team will play in the post-season," announces Fred The Oyster after seeing the first 10 games of the season for the men's hoop team.
There is no question about that, Fred - there is full agreement in the Lounge clientele - the question is which post-season are you talking 'bout Willis, the NCAA or the NIT? Wazzu has an RPI that does not look very pretty right now but should continue to improve as the year goes on and the Pac-10 schedule kicks in. The Cougars are 7-3 after the first 10 games of the year and all three of those losses - Pitt, Baylor and Gonzaga - have come to ranked teams and teams that have high enough RPI's that indicate they will be in the Big Dance in March. Will Wazzu be joining them for an unprecedented third consecutive time in school history? With only two non-conference games left and staring at a likely 8-4 record going into conference play, it looks like the answer to that question will be in how they fare in January and February in the brutality of the Pac-10. They will almost surely require a 9-9 record or better along with a win in the conference tournament to get into the Big Dance. An NIT berth - and possible home game or two - would be there for the taking with an 8-10 record, possibly even a 7-11 mark, depending on conference tourney results. So far the Cougars have beaten the teams they were expected to beat and have not lost to any teams that they were not expected to lose to and if this trend continues through the year or if the Cougars are able to get an unexpected win sometime during the year, they could propel and enhance their post-season chances. Right now, they are nine wins away.
"How quickly can they get to the Big Dance - really?" says The Village Idiot about the women's hoop program.
The Lounge's brand new [Santa came early] Skeptic-O-Meter 3000 is detecting some signs of skepticism from you, Idiot. Okay, so it won't be this year - there are just too many youth and consistency issues to overcome to realistically expect that level of success. But, next year, Idiot, next year, they could be talking realistically about making their first return trip to the NCAA tournament in nearly two decades. The youth that will be cutting their Pac-10 teeth next month will return as wise to the ways of the Pac-10 world and should be able to make a reasonable attempt at post-season play. If they are unable to get to the Big Dance and if they get good enough crowds, they could get a WNIT berth. But that is next year. For this year, it is still early, but, depending on how they play in the rest of their non-conference schedule and how they play the first half of Pac-10 play, they could even contend for a WNIT berth this year. Failing that, getting a significant win [i.e. - against Washington or Arizona State] here or there could also be considered a definition of success. No matter how it is sliced though, the program is definitely getting closer to turning that corner of respectability and moving down the tree-lined boulevard of success.
One of the best things ever invented was the barbecue grill. Even the Hibachi - although we cursed it many times - was good for awhile. Barbecue grills are made for tailgating - no matter what sport it is being done at, grilling is where it's at. The Lounge's grill is always dirty - gives it character and extra carcinogens, which taste really good with A-1 sauce - so we are particularly fond of dirty, dirty grills - although we are seriously questioning the sanity of some of these people. No, seriously.
The Lounge Scientists are all excited about finding water on Mars because that means they have discovered a new place where we can bury the BCS Taliban for good. It is far enough away where nobody would ever miss it and with not enough oxygen in the atmosphere, it can die a suitably silent death. The water is in glaciers underground under, possibly as much as 30 feet of rock debris - a perfect spot for the BCS Taliban! There is one problem though.
"If you could get a backhoe in there, you could get at it. you'd have to figure out how to get a backhoe to Mars," ponders Lounge Scientist #22, Jeffery Plaut, a geologist at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in southern California, who reportedly has already considered burying the BCS here on Earth.
In memory of old pal, Slinky, the Lounge is officially starting the Let's Get A Backhoe To Mars And Bury The BCS! Campaign.
+++++++sponsored by Clark's Restaurant+++++++++
Attention COUGAR fans and well-wishers! Autumn is almost over and you have the hunger. How can you afford to go one day further without some tasty morsels from Clark's Restaurant in Grays Harbor - home of the Best Hamburger in Twin Harbors for nine consecutive years? Come in for the burger, fresh homemade fries and milkshakes concocted from homemade ice cream. Go ahead, we dare you to try and pass up more than 12 varieties of hamburgers to choose from, full dinners, lunch and full breakfast served daily. Clark's Restaurant 360.538.1487. Seven miles south of Aberdeen, Washington on Highway 101. Proud supporter of CougZone. Mention this ad for a free small hot chocolate.